Moscow Orientation – Day 9 – Crime and Punishment

Sometimes temptation is just too great to resist. And sometimes, the ensuing sin is so pleasant that half way through it commission, a sinking sensation sets in; behavior this bad, that feels this good, won’t go unpunished. I just didn’t think I’d have to do such heavy penance for lunch.

On Sunday after the TV show we attended, a few of us went to the Starlite Diner - a retro American-style restaurant patterned after a 1950’s greasy spoon. There aren’t many real places like that left in America, so this one in Moscow is a very faithful reproduction of all the lame retreads that populate malls in the US. Lots of Texaco signs, US Route 1 signs, weird ads for familiar consumer goods with strange slogans - like “Pepsi makes you Sparkle”. In fact, the effect is so authentic an interpretation of the modern interpretation of what the 1950’s restaurant scene was like, that the founders of this place in Moscow returned to the US and opened many more franchises.

There are parts of Russian cuisine I enjoy, larger parts that I don’t. But I really do like diners. I especially like cheeseburgers and milkshakes. So lay it on me, I said. Of course, ordering it in Russian took some of the nostalgia out of it; what I really wanted to say was “cheeseburger deluxe, medium, and a chocolate milkshake.” In Russian, I ordered by saying “cowboy burger, with blood, and a chocolate milk cocktail.”

It was good - really good. About halfway through the bliss I began to realize something; that my digestive system had become acclimated to Russian food. And then I began to remember some of the digestive – ahem – “travails” related to becoming acclimated to Russian food. And briefly, ever so briefly, I theorized that returning to American style food with a massive cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake, may entail a reverse transition period. Or shock. Well, I said, I’m enjoying this meal immensely. And when the bill comes, I’ll pay. And when any other bill comes due, I’ll pay that too.

I just didn’t think I’d be paying until Wednesday. I’m sick as a dog, and I’ve resolved not to eat at all until I can no longer fear a massive negative physical reaction. I’m so sick that I’m not hungry, and the sight of food is repellent.

Sometimes the absence of something allows you to think clearly about it for the first time. Now that I no longer eat, I’ve noticed how much time I spent eating and procuring food. I’ve also noticed how much money it costs to eat on a regular basis. Granted, this isn’t a sustainable long-term strategy, but think of the implications of a “lose weight and save money” diet. It’s a million dollar idea. After all, people bought into the Atkins diet and that’s at least as personally self destructive.

Sounds a little crazy, I guess – which leads me to my last observation; delirium is a side effect of not eating for 3 days.