If I Ran the Zoo

I got together with some of my colleagues this weekend. We had one of those conversations that strays into strange territory – so strange that no one can remember how we eventually stumbled onto the weirdest topic of the evening. It had a lot to do with the difference between Moscow girls and their counterparts from the provinces – their differences in attitudes and behaviors.

Hans skipped over our poorly informed and inarticulate generalizations and went straight for an anecdote about sheer insanity. Today, he sent us a follow up email that elaborates more on a seriously crazy story. I’m just going to attach the message in its entirety because a) I’m still stunned and b) I’m not able to do any better than he did.

There are only two Russian words you need to know. Kvartira is apartment, and tvorog is a sort of Russian farmer cheese.

A quick follow up about my colleague, Natasha, from Cheboksari and her pet lion. I got the full details - and they're nearly as shocking as we originally thought. It's a real lion, not a tiger.

They (Natasha, her permanent boyfriend, and the lion) live in a one room kvartira - and the lion basically considers the entire room his den. The cat is one year and 3 months old, at present it weighs in at 120 kilos. Its main (or is it spelled "mane") is just beginning to grow in around its neck - but is not as full and robust as it'll be in another 8 months or so.

As far as what it eats, it's gets a concoction of the following in a bowl: 5 – 7 kilos of extra fatty ground beef, 200 grams tvorog, one egg, and a liter of milk. Every day.

The cute little kitten likes to sleep in the same bed as the couple at night. She prefers sleeping with the cat rather than with her boyfriend because the cat is warmer and doesn't ask "stupid" questions.

Occasionally when the cat is in a good mood, it holds a part time job at the circus down the street... but lately it hasn't been getting along with the ringmaster or its fellow animals... so it hasn't been working much. According to Natasha, he's been moody lately because he is teething. His baby teeth have fallen out and a giant set of (flesh-tearing) fangs are coming in nicely.

I asked Natasha if the lion is noisy, and she said no... that's he's mostly quiet and just grumbles a lot. Although once the neighbor pissed him off and he roared loud enough to set off about a dozen car alarms in the parking lot.

Well, as of now, I think I'm backtracking on my initial impression of Cheboksari girls... wouldn't want to get fed to the lions you know.

Moscow... never a dull moment.

Indeed, Hans, indeed.