Things Begin Warming Up

I hate to keep harping on the weather. Frankly, it has crowded out all other sorts of things that could be written about in this space by keeping me indoors and cowed. Anyway, several observations from the cold – one example of what it drove some people to do, and two examples of extraordinary efforts to warm back up.

Russian superstition hints that the coldest weather of the year always happens during the feast of the epiphany, a few days after Christmas; literature is full of references to the “Epiphany Frosts”. Yet again this year, the cold snap was right on schedule. Many centuries of vicious winter, made all the more vicious by its regularity and predictability, have left an indelible mark on the Russians. Sure, it has made them impervious to temperatures that frighten others. But more to the point, it has made lots of them genuinely insane.

The Epiphany celebrates the baptism of Jesus in the River Jordan. Part of the Russian celebration is to emulate the ancient immersion in that comparatively tropical river by going to the nearest body of water, sawing a hole in the ice, and jumping in. Three times. At midnight.

This was a widespread event this year, and there was plenty of media coverage of sites all over the country. Most places seemed to have 3 people standing around with an official job. There’s always a priest to administer a blessing before going in. Also, there’s a man with a hook to prevent dunkers from inadvertently going under the ice. And most important of all, there’s someone with a glass of vodka afterwards to warm the swimmers back up.

In my case, the order would probably be a bit different. I’d drink the vodka first for courage. Then, I’d have the guy with the hook push me in. Lastly, I’d ask the priest for a prayer of thanksgiving for deliverance from extremely foolish self-inflicted danger.

The midnight swim has become a favorite event for politicians to attend. I saw Vladimir Zhirinovsky on TV. He was wearing a tight speedo that managed to make him as physically repulsive as some his political platforms. But I did have to agree with him when he stated, post plunge, “This is why Americans don’t understand us.”

Vodka, of course, figures prominently into another example of warming up. As all zookeepers know nowadays, vodka has amazing thermal powers. That’s what the Moscow zoo was thinking when it gave its elephants a few buckets of vodka to shake off the chill. Unfortunately, they were – ahem – overmedicated and one tore out the central heating pipes in the elephant house. On second thought, perhaps the vodka worked after all.

The granddaddy of all national warm-up maneuvers, however, was this week’s revelation that a British spy ring had been uncovered. American spies would have seemed a little too ominous and probably would have provoked a more violent reaction, given the “thermal” remedies that a lot of folks were using (q.v. the elephant). But a British spy ring, with its Bond-like overtones, would be enough to get folks riled up without causing a major fracas. It appears the government has kept this one in its back pocket since November and chose to use it, coincidentally, during the most frigid part of the year.

Now that temperatures are back into the still-cold, but sane, 0 degree Fahrenheit range, it may be safe to venture back out into the wild. I hope that the insanity of the cold weather period doesn’t spill over into more temperate times.